It was a Cosmo article of course. I really should stop reading that crap. Mind you, then I would have missed out on this gem: a piece on how a gal can look great naked in front of a guy even if she feels a bit bashful in her birthday suit.
One suggestion is to take the sheet with you when you get out of bed so - if he's not too busy shrieking from sudden exposure - he'll notice how sexy you look with it strategically draped around your body like a Renaissance sculpture as you head off for a pee. The article actually encourages you to go to museums to study the draping on statues to get it right. Sheesh.
Other strategies include propping yourself up on the pillows at just the right angle so your boobs don't look saggy, or lying on your back so your tummy looks flat. And we wonder why women have issues about their bodies and why so many of us (obviously less skilled in the art of strategic sheet draping) just hurry to get the lights off as quick as possible or whip our clothes off and dive under the covers the first time we get naked with a guy.
It's sad really.
Especially since most guys I informally surveyed said they're just thrilled to have a real live naked woman in front of them.
As one particularly sweet guy said, "Don't worry, most guys are thinking, 'Wow, you're naked and in my bed, how did I get so lucky?'"
In fact, this same guy told me that women's discomfort and dissatisfaction with their own bodies is one of the most frustrating things about sleeping with a woman.
"I've never met a woman who was completely happy about her body," he said. "I mean, it's not that guys aren't self-conscious about their bodies, but it's not what we're exactly focusing on the first time we're naked with you."
No, they're too busy focusing on our breasts. "Hey, what can I say," answered one guy in defence of men's fixation on women's breasts. "They're fun when you're having sex. They jiggle and they give you something to hold onto while you're doing it."
Or burrow your face into, as another guy demonstrated, cupping his hands around two imaginary breasts and making a BRRRR... sound as if he was a cat rubbing his nose in catnip.
"Guys don't have boobs," offered one guy, who credits some of his breast fascination with growing up on a farm full of cow udders. "We have to live vicariously through women's boobs. And when you're a teenage boy and suddenly you're confronted with the first girl in your class to get boobs, it's a real shock. It's such a signifier of sex at that age."
Most guys admitted they have very specific tastes when it comes to tits, but they almost all said that shape is more of an issue than size. How well they work with the body they're attached to and how a woman dresses them up are also important. "How a woman presents her boobs in clothes says a lot about her," offered one guy. "Even fake boobs can look good if they're in clothes."
Actually, only one guy was keen on naked fake breasts. In fact, he was so keen that he said if he could have silicone breasts made to mount on the dash of his car, he would. He also admitted he's been single for a while.
Most of the guys I talked to were perplexed by the Wendy Whoppers school of breasts mentality. A few seemed to feel it appealed to a certain breed of men that I obviously wasn't talking to. One thought maybe it was the novelty factor: "You know, look at me, I can touch my nipples together behind my back."
Most guys, when asked what they thought of women's bodies, simply replied "They're good," or "Mmmmm...," if they were feeling more articulate.
Most agreed that exploring women's bodies is more fun. "They're smoother and there's more stuff to play with," offered one guy. "It's that male adventurer thing," said another. "We can't just look and appreciate, we have to get in there and explore."
When I pushed for specifics, every guy had his own little thing.
Legs, butts and waists were still popular, though one guy admitted that sometimes it strikes him as odd that the two pieces of flesh that make up a bum can be such a turn-on. Like a lot of guys, he simply said that "While a guy may know what he likes, that doesn't mean he understands it."
One guy was particularly fond of belly buttons, and "the love trail" - the line from the navel to the pubic hair, often marked with a fine trickle of hair. "It's like a map down to the goodies," he said.
"I like women's collar bones," said one guy, "especially if they get a little sweaty. "Actually, I love anywhere that sweat collects, like in the little dimples some women have above their butts."
Most guys said they don't like women too skinny or too fat, but added that there is a large range of acceptability between the two.
One guy was very into hair because, "women can change their hair easily, unlike their weight or height. A haircut can say a lot about her personality."
Funnily enough, many of the respondents seemed perplexed by women's agony over cellulite. "A lot of women seem to worry about celluloid," said one guy, "but I'm not really sure what it is." Another guy said: "Oh yeah, cellulite, women get it in their thighs or something, don't they?"
"Obviously some guys notice cellulite and don't like it," said an honest fellow, "but I'm more concerned with the overall look." A common sentiment. While other things like lips, eyes, and voices also received honourable mention, at the top of probably every list was confidence, how a woman carries herself naked. As one guy said, "A naked woman in a morgue is not so sexually attractive, at least not to most guys."
In fact, according to one guy, "thinking men only like a perfect body is an insult to our intelligence. Sure guys like perky breasts and centrefold looks but the shape of a woman's body is only part of the equation. More important is how she moves and how she carries herself. We're focusing on the package deal, not individual body parts."
Besides, added another guy, it's all a blur when you're having sex.
Mind you, as one complained, those questioned could all be liars. "They just say what they think women want to hear." As a true connoisseur of porn, he admits he loves the fake-boobed, air-brushed girls in smut mags.
No doubt, there are many more like him. Luckily, I don't have to sleep with them. And, as far as I'm concerned, next time I'm at the museum, I'll be looking at the art rather than studying draping techniques.
