If you find yourself baffled by the opposite sex, you're not alone. Because we get just as confused as you do, Chatelaine enlisted the help of an expert. We took some age-old questions to Dr. David McKenzie, PhD, a Vancouver-based sex therapist and marriage counsellor, and asked him to help us deconstruct the male psyche.
1. You've noticed a male friend has been paying more attention to you than normal; keeping an eye out for you at parties and calling you regularly. You think: What a great friend. He thinks:
You're hot and he's hoping that the relationship will evolve into something physical. Eventually he'll make you his girlfriend. The same way you do. He truly values your friendship.
Answer: Eventually he'll make you his girlfriend.
Chances are your friend is looking to develop a relationship with you, and not just one that's sexual. "Many relationships start off as friendships so I would suspect that if a man is making an effort to pay special attention to you he probably has longer term intentions," says Dr. McKenzie. "I always believe that people should be open with each other. Just simply say, 'I get the sense that you want to take our friendship deeper in a romantic way. Am I reading you right?' If it's a real friendship you won't shame or embarrass him with this question," he adds.
2. You find out your partner has shared some of the more intimate details of your relationship with his friends. You think: That's hurtful. He must not respect me like I thought. He thinks:
He's really not that into you, but your exploits together have become locker room legends. Nothing of it. He's always been totally open with his buddies about his relationships. He probably shouldn't have opened his big mouth.
Answer: Nothing of it. He's always been totally open with his buddies about his relationships.
He may not realize that his behaviour is totally unacceptable. "I would not jump to the conclusion that he doesn't value the relationship," says Dr. McKenzie. "This is learned behaviour, but sometimes it can be a deal-breaker. This type of behaviour needs to be confronted aggressively at the start. It can't continue because it results in a total loss of boundaries."
3. You hit it off instantly with a new single guy you meet at a party, but at the end of the night he leaves without asking for your phone number. You think: Well, either he's secretly married or he just really wasn't that into me. He thinks:
You weren't that into him or you would have asked for his number. He regrets not asking for your number. If he asks for your number he'll have to start dating you seriously and he'd rather not go down that road.
Answer: You weren't that into him or you would have asked for his number.
"Men have the same problems that women do," explains Dr. McKenzie. "I don't think in this day and age, post-third-wave feminism, that women should be waiting for the man to do the asking. That's kind of ancient. I think it's just as much the woman's duty to ask for the phone number or to offer hers," he adds.
4. Your partner always seems to have time to spend with you during the week, but when it comes to going out on weekends he'd rather hang out with his buddies. You think: He thinks I'm no fun. He thinks:
Weekends are for his buddies. That's how it's always been. You've got your own thing to do on the weekend. You should come out with him on the weekends more often. He doesn't realize you're waiting for a special invitation.
Answer: Weekends are for his buddies. That's how it's always been.
"I know men who have gotten married but still think they're living in college," says Dr. McKenzie. "A woman needs to make sure she draws her own line in the sand. In other words, there has to be a bottom line. She has to say to herself, 'This is my bottom line and crossing it is a deal-breaker.' Once in a while having a weekend away with friends is quite healthy, but if it's a consistent problem it needs to be confronted," he adds.
5. You've been dating the same guy for more than six months, have met his parents and spend most weekends together, but he still hasn't told you he loves you. You think: Maybe he's not as into me as I thought. He thinks:
He's not going to be the first one to say those words. He might be in love with you, but he's still not sure. Nothing of it. Women may fixate over "I love you," but to men it's no big deal.
Answer: He's not going to be the first one to say those words.
"Don't be living in secrecy," says Dr. McKenzie. "If by six months you've met his parents and he still hasn't verbalized his love or his commitment to you, there's something going on. He may be afraid of intimacy and he could be jaded about relationships. It could be that he was jilted by an ex-girlfriend in which case he's likely not over his grief."
"I think if he's taking you to his parents and he has not said he loves you, to me that's something that needs to be talked about after two to three months. A person has a pretty good idea how they feel about someone else after two to three months and I think those words are important to say," he adds.
6. The less attention you give your guy, the more he seems to want to be with you. You think: This reverse psychology thing really works. He thinks:
You're a challenge and he's going to have to really work to win you over. You're dating someone else and he wants to keep an eye on you to make sure this isn't true. A few more weeks of this cat and mouse game and he'll be ready to call it quits.
Answer: A few more weeks of this cat and mouse game and he'll be ready to call it quits.
"I don't think playing hard-to-get works," says Dr. McKenzie. "I'm a great believer in being true to yourself. If you have feelings for somebody and they're not being reciprocated, they're not going to be changed by you playing hard-to-get. What you're going to do is send out mixed messages. If your relationship is based on a cat and mouse game, it's not based on enough to last."
7. You develop a casual sexual relationship with a man who says he's not looking for anything serious. You think: Once he really gets to know me this will develop into something more. He thinks:
He likes sleeping around and this is his disclaimer. He really doesn't feel like he can commit and he wants to be honest with you. Your relationship might morph into something more serious, but it's good not to seem too available right off the bat.
Answer: He really doesn't feel like he can commit and he wants to be honest with you.
"You need to believe what a person is saying about themselves," explains Dr. McKenzie. "I think this is much better than when someone deceives you and makes themselves look like they are available when they're not."
"Usually when a man says this he has been deeply hurt in a past relationship and hasn't finished his grieving; he's not over it. There are also other times when a person hasn't quite matured yet - they're still in party mode - both genders have to grow out of that," he says.
"I believe a woman has to have her own ideas about what she wants. If she's at a place in her life where she just wants to have casual relationships, that's fine. But if she's looking for a long-term relationship, that's different. If you come across a man who's saying, 'I'm not good with money' and 'I can never commit to relationships' don't be blind and say, 'Oh I'll change him' or 'He's not like that really.' Believe what he says about himself," says Dr. McKenzie.
"I think you can give it two or three months and see if it goes anywhere, but if you are deeply serious about a long-term relationship and he's saying he's not ready for commitment, you have got to decide whether or not you want to go to bed with a man you may never be in a long-term relationship with," he adds.
8. You end up sleeping with a guy you just met after the first date. You think: He's going to think I'm easy. He thinks:
You're easy. He probably won't call you again. You're easy. He's looking forward to seeing you again. He likes you or else he never would have slept with you.
Answer: He likes you or else he never would have slept with you.
Most men would want to see you again and learn more about you, according to Dr. McKenzie. You are not likely to be condemned for sleeping with a man on the first date these days, but it's still important to exercise discretion.
"If a woman thinks she's going to get a guy by going to bed with him, she's barking up the wrong tree. Guys will not be hooked by going to bed with someone. You can't trap a man that way," he says. "You have to be doing what you're doing for your own sake. I usually would say a woman should restrain herself until the second date."
