We hadn't seen each other all week. The least I expected when I walked in the door was to have him to drop to his knees, profess his undying love for me, and perhaps take me right there on the kitchen floor.
He was dressed and ready to go to a movie.
I showed up full of visions of curling up on the couch together and watching bad TV. He had visions of curling up in a molded theatre seat with a big bag of greasy kernels tucked between us. He withdrew in disappointment.
I sulked while managing to completely ignore the fact that he had spent the entire afternoon fixing my bike. I tried to start over. I cheerily mentioned I didn't understand something he read from the paper in which he had suddenly immersed mimself. At his pathetic explanation attempt I fell silent, inviting him to read between the lines on my face.
"What now?" he asked, exasperation in his voice, the message lost on him.
"Don't say that," I fumed, my hurt turning to anger at his what-is-she-getting-herself-worked-up-about-this-time tone. Especially when I was sure my face said it all.
Blame it on my cingulate gyrus. According to the latest brain research, this relatively newly-evolved section of our gray matter (soon to come equipped with air bags) gets more "worked up" in women. Apparently, it causes us to have a more complex reaction to a sudden surge in emotion. The aforementioned secretly-coded crushed look that sends fear into the hearts of men. "What does it mean?" they shudder.
Guys, according to what some fancy new brain-imaging gizmos tell us, tend to rely on the more ancient, temporal limbic system or, as it is referred to in brainy circles, the "reptilian brain." This, they say, makes men more prone to act out an emotion aggressively. Say, with a left hook.
Tracing male/female differences back to our brain structure or genes is in vogue these days. Perhaps, with everyone so confused about how to act toward each other, it's easier to simply blame our basic instincts.
Some of the conclusions they've come up with about male/female brain differences are downright shocking. For example, one study said "the male brain is a tidier affair ... not so easily distracted by superfluous information." Yeah, they stick to the really important stuff, like the dimensions and curves of that blonde who just walked by.
We women, on the other hand, "may be less able to separate emotion from reason." I guess that's why we believe the jerk with the wonderful sense of humour when he says he'll call us sometime.
Of course, whether our actions are a result of our brains' original neuron placements or the way those neurons get warped from the moment our newborn butts get spanked is pretty much anyone's guess. And probably always will be.
Whatever the cause, most folks I've asked don't need any fancy gizmos to prove that women and men think differently. Here's a sampling of my highly scientific findings on how male and female brains work differently when it comes to:
#Sex:# There are reasons why "She thinks with her vagina" has never really caught on as an expression. Of course, men think that women don't want it as much as they do. Women think they might want it more if men didn't want it so much.
#Initiating sex:# Men do it more (if pressing your semi against her, raising your eyebrows and nudging her with your elbow counts). Women would like to do it more but are still feeling a bit shy/guilty/uncertain about it.
#Penis size:# Men think it's important, women claim it's not (and guys think we're just being nice).
#Condoms:# Men think they're a drag. Women think it's a drag that men think they're a drag.
#Oral sex:#Guys generally adopt the old, "it's better to receive than to give" adage. Women have heard this.
#Menstruation:# Men can handle lots of blood on a movie screen, but don't want to think about it if it naturally flows out of your body. Women think it's a drag.
#Commitment:# Men run from it, women are left scratching their heads thinking, "All I said was that I don't appreciate it when he says he's gonna call and doesn't."
#Listening:# Men think you're looking for answers when you're complaining to them about work/a friend/your body. Men want answers when they complain to you about work/money/future.
#Anger:# Women suppress it, men express it.
#Sadness:# Women express it, men suppress it.
#Fear:# Women have it, men pretend they don't.
#Hair loss: #Women say it doesn't matter, then specify they want a full head of hair in personal ads. Men pretend it doesn't bother them, but spend thousands of dollars faking it.
#Weight:# Men say it doesn't matter, then specify they want thin women in personal ads. Women pretend we're past that, then spend tons of money and energy trying to lose weight.
#Youth:# Older women spend hours at the gym and the cosmetics counter to maintain it. Older men go out with 20-year-olds.
#Success:# Men expect it, then complain about it when it doesn't happen and expect you to fix it. Women fear it, then need support and encouragement when we talk about it endlessly every step of the way.
#Failure:#He takes a deep breath, blames the world, and moves on. She analyzes it at length, then blames men.
